My Diary. [Just in English]

Perhaps you're wondering how it exactly feels like when you're manic/ hypomanic, depressed or completely mixed. Here are some pieces from my diary.

Down

16/11/2011

Nobody knows what's happening in my head. I want to die.

I kept this for all day. I blew up when we came through the door. I barely remember how we got home. He took my clothes off, made a tea and gave me a pill.

I was swallowing tears for all day.

I want to stay in my bed for the rest of my life.

17/01/2012

I don't deserve him. He's too good for me. He went to Tesco just because I didn't have cereals. I feel worse and worse. We're going to visit the Bipolar Organisation. I don't know what to do.

Later

I was crying a lot today and I think I'm better now. I threw all this shit away. A lot of things is inside me, a lot of thought and worries. Sometimes I fall down and I can't stand up. It's good to have him.

26/01/2012

Yesterday was really bad. I wasn't here. I wasn't anywhere. He was trying to calm me down but I was starting to cry over and over again.

I had a dream few days ago. I am sitting in the car with one man. He's asking me

'Do you have suicidal thoughts?'

I'm saying 'No'.

'Have you ever tried to kill yourself?'

'Yes'.

His face is changing. Now he's scared.

28/01/2012

They were drinking together. I watched a film with them but I didn't feel good so I went to bed. They were loud and woke me up about half an hour ago. Now it's 5am.

I chose to die long time ago. I need to find a way to hurt myself. Hurt myself to death.

I want to die.

They are sitting in her room. I went to the bathroom, he didn't notice.

I want to die so bad.

Fuck you all.

I invited my brother for holiday. He said his girlfriend's parents won't let her go. He didn't even ask.

I want to leave and go and go and go somewhere and die in quiet place. Die die die haha.

Without any reasons, just for fun. I want to see my blood. I want a gun and a big kitchen knife. Without God. I hope I won't be anywhere. I hope I won't exist any more.

I feel sick.

I'm on the edge. Good bye everyone. Ha ha ha.

I will be laughing dying. I will die with a smile on my face.

I don't care any more. I'm cold. I can hear their voices.

I deserve to be in pain. I have to hurt myself.

Why did they wake me up?

12/02/2012

It was one of these days when I have no clue what to do with myself. I live in a different world. Everything is dreamlike. I don't feel connection with my body. I could stare at wall and don't move at all.

16/03/2012

I don't know what to do with myself.

I'm sleeping all day. I feel like shit because I've lost so many hours. I can't do anything. I'm not worth anything.

I feel so fat and ugly.

27/04/2012

I hate them so much today. The whole world is so pissing off. I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die.

It's so bad that I cut myself again.

12/05/2012

I'm piece of shit. I deserve a punishment. Hurt me hurt me hurt me

The worst person in the world. Worse than animal, worse than insect.

Up

18/01/2012

I feel swings in the air. We went up to the hill tonight. It was like 11 pm. Nobody on the streets, just us. The city looks gorgeous from there. I had that feeling, good feeling of peace and freedom. It was quite a relief after last few days. Lovely.

30/03/2012

I think I'm getting manic. I've got so many thoughts inside my head and I can't focus on one thing. It's so weird, I haven't been manic for so long time. Everything's shining. It started when I was in McDonald's. I was drinking coffee and suddenly I felt I couldn't calm down. Oh God, people think it's a great feeling but it's not to be honest. I don't like mania, I'm not responsible. I want to have sex. I'm biting my lips.

8/04/2012

Am I manic if I start baking chocolate cake at 10.30 in the evening?